1 post tagged “b. macpherson”

i know it'd be wrong to feel this way, i've not entirely let him go yet. it's all my fault. i could've done better. i could've personally taken care of him while he was alive. he had been really weak a week before he was admitted to the hospital. i'm still not satisfied with what had happened, but i know that i shouldn't feel this way.

i remember how he'd grip my hand and pat my head while i would be next to him by the dining table when he was spoon-fed by his wife. and how he'd told me to be a good girl. and how he'd enjoy chocolates, [and that one i bought him last week, ..the cadbury pastilles]. and when i witnessed the part when his heart stopped beating, i was enraged with disbelief. i had donated my blood just so that i could be apart of him. i guess it's just too bad that never happened. i wanted so badly to turn back time. i wanted to help him in some ways the others couldn't, but in the end all we'd all know that this is what was meant for him. his fate. yet, i blame myself for never being there for him. even when he was living under the same roof as i.

one time, not too long ago, i saw his eyes wandering far away outside the house, probably watching the sky. he seemed really still that it scared me. and as the days went, he started to talk less to me. at least, that was what i thought. and he grew drowsy eversince. on valentine's day i made cookies for everyone and got him to eat some and asked him if they were nice, and he just nodded. but carried on eating.. maybe i made him angry. or sad. i could be guilty for not being good enough of a person. not being good enough of a grandchild.

i miss him.

al Fatihah.